Happy New Year To Us….

Happy New Year To Us….

Another year gone and a new one started. Same as every year; takes a few weeks to automatically write 2017 on our checks instead of 2016. Resolutions made; some will be kept and some ~ not so much. Another year added to our age and if there are still children in the house, another year closer to their tweens, high school or leaving the nest. Some of us may lose an aging parent, a job, become engaged, marry or even  or divorce. The year is a bit over one week old so essentially a blank slate.

Anyone who reads my posts surely must recall what I’m looking forward to. My seven months overdue Botox for Migraine injections which I’m thrilled to say I received on January 2 and already booked my 3 month appointment. Now I’m counting down the days till January 31 when I have the vision in my right eye corrected with a simple laser treatment. That still won’t restore my near vision and I can’t make an appointment for my left eye until the right one is done. I also can’t make an appointment for a refraction (eyeglass fitting) until both eyes are done. Whenever I have the refraction done I’m getting measured for contact lenses because losing my near vision overnight isn’t working out too well for me. I haven’t knit or read a book since the winter of 2015-2016 ~ one year ago. I’m up to the highest strength of cheater glasses so hope this can be finished up as soon as possible. But I have the January 31 appointment so I’m trying to stay positive. It’s progress albeit it small.

My biggest dilemma of this year actually came on Christmas night but it took until January 1 for me to process it and decide how to move forward.  My best friend’s (since I moved to Maine) ex-husband with whom she maitained a good relationship  was killed in a single car accident the morning of December 20. He was a bit pompous and a womanizer which is why they divorced many years age, sharing custody of their only son. However he was an excellent physician who was in charge of the local ER for 18  years. He went on to implement new programs for the rural community, started a health center in an extremely rural area then went to work overseas with Doctors Without Borders where he worked on missions in South Sudan, Ethiopia, Kenya, Uganda, Nigeria, Malawi, Sri Lanka and the Congo. He risked his life volunteering to care for Ebola patients in West Africa four times. I learned about the accident approximately 2 hours after it happened but waited till the afternoon to call her even though I knew afternoons were not the ideal time to speak to her. My friend drinks. She doesn’t talk about it nor does she stagger  or fall. She always has a Nalgene bottle with her sipping  water. However around noon she replaces the water with white wine and unless you talk to her you’d never know. When I had a legal matter my attorney spoke to her around 3pm and she spoke jibberish. At first I made an excuse for her but then I told him the truth. We had an understanding that if she was called to testify it would be early morning. Whenever my phone rang in the afternoon and I saw it was her number I wouldn’t answer. I simply cannot tolerate talking to someone who is drunk.  They make no sense at all and I find it beyond irritating. When I called her that afternoon as soon as she answered I knew she’d been drinking. She said “Hey he’s dead, what can you do? That’s life.” She assured me she was fine and didn’t need anything. I called her twice more in the next few days; the first time it went to voicemail and the second time I reached her on Christmas Eve morning.  Again, she was calm but in the years I’ve known her she never was a very emotional or demonstrative person.  I told her to please let me know when the memorial service was and we left it at that. On Christmas night  my daughter was driving home from the 6pm church service when her phone rang.  It was my friend. She demanded to know what was wrong with me. My daughter was confused and said “Well she can’t see very well”.  My friend went on and on about how she was dealing with a traumatic event in her family and couldn’t deal with “your mother’s stuff”.  My poor daughter was dumbfounded as she was sitting in the great room both times I was able to reach my friend. She had no idea what she was talking about. Being a rural area, there are dead cell spots every mile or so and the connection kept getting lost. My friend called back several times even more irate because of the dropped calls. The next time their call dropped she called back and was particularly nasty telling my daughter “I’ve had enough. Don’t ever call me again.” My daughter came in the house and asked if I had talked to my friend and I told her not since the  day before and asked why. When she told me I was shocked. I couldn’t figure out what I could have possibly said when we spoke that could have caused her to react like this a day later. To say I was upset is an understatement because I felt like a little girl again. Getting into trouble but not knowing what for. It really troubled me for nearly the entire week, causing insomnia and angst. I contemplated calling her and asking what I did to upset her. Then I thought I should call and apologize ~ but for what?  On January 1, 2017, I had my first clarity and told myself no. That I’d simply had enough. I am tired of being someone’s “punching bag” just because they’re mentally ill,  jealous or drunk. It started with physical abuse before I even began kindergarten and I am still allowing people to do it. So I blocked her number on both my phone and my daughter’s and haven’t lost any more sleep nor thought about it.10205960966445531

I’m not sure how I feel about her; I’m not angry but I’m not sad or upset. And I definitely don’t feel guilty which is a rather big step for me. I guess if I had to define my feelings I would say I’m done feeling guilty and done apologizing just to “please” someone else. I can’t guarantee I won’t feel guilty about something in the future, but right now I’m content to leave the past behind. Instead I’m enjoying the snow and …..

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looking ahead to getting my vison back.

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Taking The Plunge…

Taking The Plunge…

I started this blog to chronicle my AT hike which I realize now was just an attempt to escape PTSD ~ something I had under control until 2012. I’ve made a few posts about my abusive childhood but like so many of us, life got in the way. The death of my “heart” dog Callie Ann, a beloved friend’s suicide and the multiple medical problems of my beautiful German Shepherd Sasha. In the process I found it necessary to end a somewhat long relationship with my therapist, a LCSW. I found another one I liked only to learn my insurance won’t cover her fees because she’s a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) as opposed to a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. Insurance companies and even states vary I’ve learned so in my downtime I might write an appeal to my health insurance company. Until then, I’m just going to dive in; get it out of my head. For me words are a catharsis. I use words to give shape to my experiences. Words help me “see” who I am, what I’ve done, where I’ve been, where I’m going. Words help me understand. They are a coping mechanism of sorts, a means of expression through which I can separate the good in my life from the not so good.

Initially I thought it best to blog in chronological order but upon reflection have reconsidered. It would be intensely painful and some days my stress management ability is in overdrive and other days ~ not so much. Instead I’m going to write random entries; if a memory comes to mind I’ll write about it and see where it leads.

Just going to plunge in  because essentially I’ve had:

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I know, I know ~ not related but its a German Shepherd!

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